How to keep intimacy in long-term relationships

Published June 2025 | 6 min read
Expert contributors: Chantelle Otten, sexologist; Elisabeth Shaw, psychologist and CEO of Relationships Australia NSW
Words by Lucy E Cousins

Relationships change and mature over time, and it can be hard to maintain intimacy. Here’s how to keep the connection strong with your long-term partner.

“After our daughter was born, my partner and I started sleeping in separate bedrooms so we could each get a good night’s sleep. She was bottle-fed, so logistically, it made sense,” explains Sahar, 42. “But over the years, we kept to our separate bedrooms, and we found that we started to grow apart, even though we still loved each other. It started to feel room-mate-y, and we stopped feeling close – mentally and physically.”

Sahar’s experience isn’t uncommon, says sexologist Chantelle Otten. Over time, intimacy can feel more like a chore than a natural part of your relationship.

“The challenge is that as routines form and life gets busier, intimacy can be the first thing to slip,” she explains. “That’s why it needs to be nurtured intentionally.”

But it’s not about recreating the ‘spark’ of the early days, Chantelle adds. It’s about evolving your connection with each other – through check-ins, shared rituals, physical closeness and honest communication.

“The good news is intimacy can be rebuilt. But it starts with emotional honesty, curiosity and the willingness to show up for each other again – slowly, consistently and with care,” she explains.

What is intimacy?

The term ‘intimacy’ is often used interchangeably with ‘sex’, but Chantelle stresses that it’s more about a sense of connection than your physical relationship with your partner.

“Intimacy is often mistaken for just physical closeness, but really, it’s about emotional connection – the feeling of being seen, known and accepted by another person,” she says. “Sex can be a powerful expression of that intimacy, but the two aren’t interchangeable.”

The exact meaning of intimacy can also vary between people and relationships, adds Elisabeth Shaw, psychologist and CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.

“Intimacy is really defined in many ways, couple by couple, in that it comprises emotional closeness, as well as physical displays of affection and sexual intimacy,” she explains. “This definition will vary from couple to couple and will change over time in a relationship.”

For Sahar, spending time with her husband watching movies, travelling and going out to restaurants was how they connected when they first met. But with a small child, none of that was possible on a regular basis.

“I just started to miss him, to miss us. And then I just got angry that he wasn’t planning date nights or even making too much of an effort. But in all the day-to-day planning, I guess I wasn’t either,” she says.

How intimacy changes over time

Intimacy plays a vital role in both new and long-term relationships, but it tends to look and feel different over time, says Chantelle.

“In the early stages of a relationship, intimacy often builds quickly through curiosity, vulnerability and novelty – those long conversations, first sleepovers and little moments of closeness that feel electric,” she explains. “You’re learning about each other, testing trust and laying the groundwork.”

In new relationships, we’re mainly looking for emotional connection, adds Elisabeth, so we tend to have a lot more forgiveness and understanding for each other.

“When you start dating, you’re looking for all the ways you’re similar, all the ways in which your relationship is working, all the ways in which this person suits you as part of creating a life together,” she says.

But once you’re in a long-term relationship, all sorts of things mess with that desire for intimacy, she adds, like putting the bins out, picking up the kids or working late. As well as this, mental load, chronic stress, anxiety, family issues and work pressures can also make intimacy fade as our focus is consistently pulled elsewhere.

“All of those little things which you would overlook when you first met someone may become repetitive disappointments and, ultimately, barriers for intimacy within your relationship,” Elisabeth explains.

This can result in emotional disconnection, resentment, unresolved conflict, stress and lack of communication in relationships – all known as ‘intimacy killers’, according to Chantelle.

Our general health can also become an obstacle for intimacy, especially with chronic pain and chronic illness. Menopause can have a big impact on our relationships, as some women can experience a drop in libido, physical changes due to hormonal imbalances, and an increase in depression and anxiety. Lack of sleep, fatigue and joint pain can also increase irritability and mood changes in women going through perimenopause.

For more on how menopause can affect relationships, listen to ‘Menopause and your sex life: Reclaiming your relationship’, episode 3 of HCF’s Menopause Matters podcast series.

Why intimacy is important

Whether it's because partners are sleeping in separate bedrooms like Sahar, they lack time or they’re experiencing health problems, intimacy declines when it’s no longer prioritised. Yet focusing on intimacy can be essential for the health of long-term relationships, says Chantelle.

“In long-term relationships, intimacy deepens – or at least, it has the potential to. It becomes less about discovery and more about presence, effort and emotional safety,” she says. “Over time, intimacy is less spontaneous but more profound. It becomes the glue for your partnership.”

Studies show that intimacy and feeling emotionally connected to your partner can also lead to:

• improved mental and physical health
• increased life satisfaction
• greater resilience as a couple and an individual.

Intimacy can also improve your sexual wellbeing, with a recent study finding that intimacy can increase sexual desire and satisfaction, and provide a sense of safety and security for both partners.

“A bond is created through feeling you are your partner’s number one – a sense of being chosen, of feeling important or held in their mind,” Elisabeth explains. “They deeply understand you and are thinking about you.”

How to keep the intimacy with your partner thriving

Between doing the shopping and clearing your inbox, it might feel like you haven’t got the mental energy or time to focus on intimacy, but it’s much simpler than you might think.

“One of the biggest things I remind clients is that intimacy is built in the everyday moments – not just in the bedroom,” says Chantelle. “It’s cultivated through small, consistent gestures of care, curiosity and presence.”

Here are Chantelle’s top five ways to improve intimacy in your relationship:

1.    Ask open-ended questions. “Listen without trying to fix anything and make time for connection that isn’t about logistics or problem-solving.”

2.    Remember non-sexual touch. “Holding hands, resting your head on their shoulder, a gentle back rub in passing. These forms of contact say, ‘I see you, I’m here,’ without expecting anything in return. It’s a powerful way to keep closeness alive, especially when desire ebbs and flows.”

3.    Keep learning about each other. “People evolve, and so do their desires and love languages. Check in regularly both emotionally and physically.”

4.    Playfulness matters. “Flirting, teasing and trying something new together can help break you out of autopilot mode. When it comes to physical intimacy, slow things down. Explore without an agenda and focus on sensation over performance.”

5.    Prioritise respect and openness. “Emotional safety is the foundation of intimacy. When both partners feel seen and valued, intimacy becomes a space to return to, not something to chase.”

For Sahar, she found being vulnerable and talking to her partner helped them refocus on building closeness and intimacy.

“It was really awkward at first, and we both got defensive. But once we opened up, I found that he was feeling the same way. Now, we’re trying to find new ways to connect without our children, new ways to focus on us as a couple. It’s been slow, as we’re just so tired and busy, but we’re getting there, and more importantly, we’re enjoying the journey.”

Talking about your relationship

For relationship support and advice, Relationships Australia can connect you to services and have a range of online resources available.

If you’re worried about your mental wellbeing and need a mental healthcare plan, you can book an appointment with your GP. Our partnership with GP2U^*, an online video GP service, makes it easier for eligible members to access telehealth services. All HCF members with health cover can access a standard GP consultation (up to 10 minutes) for a fee of $50. Plus, rural and remote members^{^} with hospital and/or extras cover can access a free annual 15-minute online GP consultation.