8 ways to reconnect with your partner after having kids

Published February 2023 | 5 min read
Expert contributor Elisabeth Shaw, clinical and counselling psychologist, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW  
Words by Katherine Chatfield

The romance can fade pretty quickly when you’re dealing with nappies, sleep deprivation or angsty tweens. Here’s how to reconnect with your partner.

Maintaining a romantic relationship takes care and effort at the best of times; add children into the mix and keeping your love life thriving can feel like one more thing on your already overwhelming to-do list.

“Children can throw a romantic relationship off kilter pretty easily,” says clinical and counselling psychologist, and CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, Elisabeth Shaw.

“You’re suddenly on someone else’s timeline rather than the one you had established as a couple. That lack of control can be very challenging. Then there are the practical aspects, such as managing sleep and change of routine, as well as changes in domestic duties, and often changes to financial situations, too.”

When you take all of this into account, it’s no wonder many couples report being less happy in their relationship after becoming parents. But that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. “Often these early changes become ‘set and forget’, which can make it hard for couples to renegotiate and reconnect over time,” says Elisabeth. “Taking small steps to reconnect regularly can keep your relationship healthy and set it up for long-term success.”

1. Schedule time together

Spontaneity as a couple is thin on the ground when you’re parents. Small children thrive on routine and structure, and as they get older, calendars are quickly filled up with ferrying them to parties, sports and school activities. While family time contributes significantly to parents’ wellbeing, couple time spent without the children has the most positive effect on parents’ daily happiness, shows a recent study.

“Put non-negotiable time in the diary to spend time together, like you would with a meeting,” says Elisabeth. “Prioritising each other occasionally speaks volumes.” For many parents this means being creative. “Having good boundaries around children’s bedtime means there’s a better chance for couple time at the end of the day,” says Elisabeth. “Arriving exhausted on the couch might be the best you can do for a while, but that’s okay. It still counts.”

2. Carve out alone time

Couple time is important, but so is spending time alone. “It can feel like your world becomes very small when you have children. This can stop partners seeing each other in the way they used to,” says Elisabeth. Understand what ‘fills your cup’, then make time for it. Perhaps that’s spending time with friends, taking a solo walk, or going to a regular yoga class. “Having some separate interests means you each have news to share, and new conversations to have.”

3. Dial up your self-care

“Self-care is critical to a successful relationship,” says Elisabeth. “If you are run-down and feeling deprived, any relationship problems will be emphasised. No partner can meet all our needs; you both have an obligation to the relationship to bring your best self to it.”

Self-care doesn’t have to mean massages and beauty treatments – unless you want it to.

Taking time to look after your own physical and emotional health is essential, so go back to basics: prioritise eating nutritious foods, daily movement (walks around the block with the pram count) and getting better sleep.

It’s worth noting that “self-care will buffer but not completely counter a poor relationship”, says Elisabeth. “If a relationship is eroding your morale and esteem, that needs to be directly addressed.”

To support members with faster, easier access to mental wellbeing support, we’re offering a free telehealth HealthyMinds Check-in with a PSYCH2U psychologist for eligible members for a limited time^*.

4. Have a monthly WIP

Businesses have regular WIP (work in progress) meetings to check how employees are feeling about their work and how the team is working together. This can be a great idea for a couple, too. Establishing a regular WIP where you and your partner talk honestly is a good way to debrief and stop any resentment building up. “Often couples say: ‘there’s no good time to have difficult conversations’,” says Elisabeth. “You need to create a time and agree on having a discussion for it to be successful.”

Be honest but gentle with each other. Women in particular can be burdened with the mental load which can take a toll – talking about how to share the parenting load is really important. “Don’t let this time impact on any ‘date night’ time though; leave that time free for reconnection,” advises Elisabeth.

5. Reconnect with your partner sexually

Children can throw your sex life a serious curve ball. New parents report lower sexual desire, and lower sexual satisfaction in the first 12 months of their baby’s life – hardly surprising given the changes women’s bodies go through after giving birth, coupled with the lack of sleep.

“You can be intimate in many different ways,” says Elisabeth. “Taking opportunities to be affectionate outside the bedroom creates warmth, but also adds to the overall climate of the relationship. If you don’t have the energy for sex, non-sexual physical connection is still important. It can be powerful for the parent who comes in the door in the evening to seek out their partner to say a warm ‘hello’. This is a way of connecting – and also really important for the kids to see.”

6. Call out the good

Focusing on what your partner is doing right – and telling them – can really strengthen your connection. “Once you’ve had children, it’s tempting to start talking in shorthand, focusing on what is not done or what is coming up next. Remembering to say, ‘thank you’ even for ordinary things makes each of you feel visible to the other,” says Elisabeth. Successful couples talk of the positives more than the negatives. “Consider the ratio in your relationship and how you could swing it in a better direction.”

7. See a counsellor

Seeing a relationship counsellor doesn’t have to be a last resort. “Counselling can assist as a circuit breaker,” says Elisabeth. “Couples who may argue a lot at home can find that in a professional forum they 'get' the point in a new way. A therapist can help couples express themselves differently, enabling them to articulate what they want and why, and give them the tools to put these things into action. These skills can stand couples in good stead for many years to come.”

8. Set smaller goals

Being realistic is about working within new parameters and understanding that life with kids is busy and challenging. “No relationship is perfect, and differences of opinion are inevitable,” says Elisabeth. “Some things need to be negotiated, but some differences can soften over time; successful couples work to be kind and not provoke each other. Congratulate yourself on small victories; being positive about your partner, spending some quality time together and making an effort will all go a long way.”

If you're struggling with depression or anxiety, and need to speak to someone now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.